September 11th – I can’t draw a deep breath on my run this morning. Even the air is sullen with the anniversary of the day. I leave the house at 9:12am in a salute to its memory. Their memory. And the conversation – with God – begins.

Please, send peace. Please, don’t ever let this happen again. Please, be with those who lost someone on this day twelve years ago. Big prayers. Offered up to the universe. What good do these do for those grieving, missing, remembering? For those who have a hole they can never fill?

September 12th – Life continues for the rest of us. Oddly, I am dashing those “big prayers.” Not completely. I am sure they will return at the right time. But they are not helpful for me. In fact, I feel a bit deceptive in them. Like, I am turning over to God what really should be my responsibility. “You just go take care of those people so I can be about my business.”

Don’t get me wrong. Acknowledging the majesty of God and His sovereignty in the universe is critical. In fact, it’s imperative. Just difficult … especially…on September 11th. Can we believe that an all-powerful, all-knowing God let that happen? We don’t have to wrestle with that if we don’t get too close to it. Don’t let Him get too close to us. If we just pray big prayers.

But what about the specifics? Does God gloss over those in favor of His “all encompassing plan for mankind?” Because if He does, why would He care about me? in the sea of a humanity? I believe He does. I believe He loves me completely. In fact, when he looks at me, I am all He sees. And the same for you. We are huge in His eyes. Magnified. Close.

That means, He watched those people fall, up close. He watched those towers crumble, up close. He watched those terrorists board, up close. And did not stop it. Somehow, God’s will allowed September 11th. And God saw it more clearly than any of us.

“I see you. You there, with the gray t-shirt and Adidas shorts.” He says. “Yes, you. Look at me. Hear me. I love you.”

What would be beyond hope in that moment?